hills of Thailand - the Akha people farm them

squaaaaatty potty!

Yahweh (U2)

Take these shoes Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes And make them fit
Take this shirt Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt And make it clean, clean

Take this soul Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands Teach them what to carry
Take these hands Don't make a fist
Take this mouth So quick to criticise
Take this mouth Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up

The sun is coming up on the ocean
his love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now Why the dark before the dawn?
Take this city A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city If it be your will

What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

sunrise at the pool

the restaurant made us a non-alcoholic beverage concotion of joy!

Monday

I'm sitting by the pool right now and it's beautiful with a bright golden sun coming up and reflecting off the water. It's warm and humid and there are types of birds I've never heard before trying to coordinate activities. The sky's blue with some wispy clouds. And this moment is rich and full of life and I am part of it.

Thai culture note: if you say ANYthing even slightly negative about the royal family, you'll be arrested immediately. Even making fun of their picture on the money. The emperor's about to die, and his son is autistic and mean, I guess. Most people would prefer that his daughter become queen.

Ampon, Yoki, Jintana and me - at the night bazaar

Tuesday

An awesome day today. Fun times with the girls in the morning. Good soup for lunch. Rode elephants! We took a half-hour boatride up the river to do it. Awesome views and people playing in the river on the way. Some of them splashed us in our small, covered 7-person boat. All the people we saw smiled and waved - Thai people are so friendly. 2400 baht for all of us.

On the way to the boats we were all stuffed in the back of Vern's truck and we got splashed by people along the road - it was so fun :) Thai water festival (Songkraht?) going on right now, and people wait on the side of the road and even in cars to splash people.

Anyway, riding the elephants was a blast. They walked up around in a village, and into the river. Lots of elephant pooping happened in that river - yuck!

The boat ride back was really nice. Holly and I sang on the way back - I'm sure we annoyed the others on the boat. The air was warm and a little humid. It was nice evening air, and the sky kind of felt like peaceful twilight even though it was only 4:30.

We got back to the boat launch and I went back from there to the hotel on the back of Alex's motorcycle!!! It was SO fun, oh man - and we got splashed by a ton of water. Soaked when we reached the hotel :) I was amazed at the ease with which Alex drove and maneuvered his way down side streets (on the opposite side of the road!) - I'm in love!!!! Hehe :) He's lived here for 7 years, he said. Anyway, the ride was so fun. We passed a market, lots of people. Ahh, it was wonderful. It was like living here. An authentic Thai experience. Wonderful! Joyous! Lovely! I am full to bursting!

LATER

Tonight was wonderful, too :) We had dinner at a beautiful restaurant, kind of earthy-feeling. A guy singing songs in English played his guitar for us. He said he needed a singer, and everyone's head swung to me. My heart started pounding...this isn't happening....oooooh, but yes, it was. They finally got me to go up there and sing "Country Roads" with the guitarist (who ended up being extremely nice). I was so nervous! But I had a blast. Steve said it was the start of my night club singing career - yikes!

Then Vern picked up the girls and we went to the market together. It was really fun. I walked with three girls about 16 years old - Yokanong, Jintana, and Ampon. The girls got in trouble for talking on the phone with boys earlier today. Yikes - what do you do? But they were good for me.

on our way to the elephants

going into the river! on an elephant!

3x5 (John Mayer)

I'm writing you to catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
Lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
Are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
Lose my way but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
It brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
Just no more 3x5's

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me

Today I finally overcame tryin' to fit the world
Inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
Lose my way, but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
It brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
No more 3x5's, just no more 3x5's

[The lyrics of this song cycled in my head throughout the entire trip...]

King Nebuchadnezzar's golden idol? (brand-new Buddha statue)

Thursday

I got to watch the sun come up in Thailand this morning. The birds are chirping, and below my window, the men are exchanging hellos.

This trip has strengthened my faith. I have a better picture of the darker sides of this world. Of real spiritual forces and their contrast to the one true God. It isn't nothing to be a Christian. I see now it is a rich, living, powerful thing to be on Christ's side.

You've been teaching me other lessons along the way, too - It's more blessed to give than to receive. It's more important that I make others feel like they don't have to be defensive than to try and get everything for myself.

This is our last day here, and I'm sad about that. This isn't my home right now - I don't see myself having a role here. I can't really picture myself belonging. But it's been an amazing trip. Experience of a lifetime. Do you want me to return, God? I don't think this is what you have for me. That's a big revelation.

I am reluctant to think about my life back home. How boring and alone I've made it. So isolated and independent. That's what I wanted, right? I've made my life that way. I'd still really love to be a parent and a wife - to have a role and a place I belong and people waiting for me to get back and tell them everything. I guess that's the selfish part of it.

LATER

Trying to sleep now, but too many thoughts in my head...

• AMAZING trip - I never could have imagined how fun, eye-opening, mind-blowing this trip would be. I never saw it coming. An amazing trip - there aren't words.
• The feeling of sitting in a boat in the middle of a muddy river, looking at what Steve appropriately labeled the "worst place in the world": Paradise Hotel, where girls sold into prostitution are taken to be "broken into" the trade.
• Riding back home from the waterfall on the back of Alex's motorcycle. Sun lowering behind the trees, views of fields and trees and farmers. Cracks and holes in the red-orange clay hard-packed under the tires. Wind in my face when I lift the helmet shield to talk to Alex. Thinking as I looked at the scenery, "Who does this?! Who rides on the back of a boy's motorcycle in late afternoon through the backroads of Thailand?" HUGE BLESSING!
• Stopped at a temple - quiet. Gold tower, pictures of dead monks - their saints, triangles of red and blue and green mirrored glass covering the pillars.
• The beautiful faces of the girls we've met, watching them get more distinguishable to us everyday.
• Breaking down crying in the middle of leading worship as I thought about the giant gold Buddha statue we saw - speechless, overwhelmed by God's bigness, truth, reality - REALITY. The black and white of spiritual war.
• Sitting on the balcony this morning watching the sun creep up over the city of Chiangrai.
• I can definitely see myself as a missionary like the McCauleys, living with my family overseas long-term. When will that happen? Where? How? With who? ;)

Fun at the waterfalls =)

Day in Bangkok

Traveling is like seeing new colors you've never seen before. It's unimaginable.

On a small green bus in Bangkok right now, in the middle of a monsoon, sideways rain. Steamy windows, oppressive humidity, claps of thunder and the smell of eggs.

(Met a guy named Nathan from Melbourne on the plane. He gave me a business card. Said usually he wouldn't do that because it's wanky - dorky, he explained - but traveling is different.)

LATER

We're staying the night at the K.T. Guesthouse in Bangkok tonight and I LOVE it here...I was so excited because it's pretty much a hostel and the atmosphere is so awesome :) I've taken tons of pictures.

I love traveling, and right now I'm pretending it's just me and a few friends who are traveling abroad indefinitely. I've decided for a quiet night tonight, doing homework.

I regain perspective on the world when I travel. I remember how much I love it - discovering new hostels, new cities, seeing things I've never seen before. If I set aside $100 a month I could start saving for a long trip, a really cool trip.

Nathan on the plane said that in order to prepare for an extended trip, I'd take 3 weeks with only a few showers, no microwave, no modern conveniences. When I travel, I like to be able to buy things. Maybe not a lot of stuff, but some...willing to give up nicer restaurants? Mostly....now back to homework!

LATER

Bangkok is the dirtiest city I've been in so far. We spend the day shopping - bus, then Sky Train, then walking, then taxi. We ate dinner at the tallest tower in Thailand - the Baiyoke Hotel, I think? Revolving 86th floor, like the Space Needle. Bangkok is also a huge city - stretched as far as we could see. Horizon smudged by fog.

Anyway, I've come back with black under my fingernails and on the soles of my feet. My whole body's sticky from dried sweat.

But I'm happy :)

The city of Bangkok, seen from the tallest tower in Thailand

Last Day

A pinata in Thailand with a broken string.
A girl in Thailand with a broken life.
Two missionaries in Thailand with one broken heart.
God in Thailand putting it all back together again...

I miss the trip already. Slowly I'm starting to think of all the stuff to do when I get back - yikes.

I was really sad about going back to the same life, the same everything. But last night I realized - I am not the same person I was when I left. I have renewed dreams of traveling. Renewed hope that you'll lead me through an exciting, fun, amazing life. There's a whole world to explore.

God, I'm so glad I came on this trip. I had a lot of doubts and reservations before coming. What do you want to teach me through that fact? My joy and fulfillment are at the center of your will. But I didn't know it was your will that I go on this trip. It must have been, though. Maybe if I had waited and listened for your confirmation, I would have had a better time getting prepared - more peace before the trip.

God, I pray for lots more opportunities to travel. I really like trips like this, where we get to pray as a group, sing worship songs, talk about our experiences in the context of you.

I brought too much reading material. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'd need mental space to process all I've seen and heard and felt.

Already I miss the trip...