Thursday

I got to watch the sun come up in Thailand this morning. The birds are chirping, and below my window, the men are exchanging hellos.

This trip has strengthened my faith. I have a better picture of the darker sides of this world. Of real spiritual forces and their contrast to the one true God. It isn't nothing to be a Christian. I see now it is a rich, living, powerful thing to be on Christ's side.

You've been teaching me other lessons along the way, too - It's more blessed to give than to receive. It's more important that I make others feel like they don't have to be defensive than to try and get everything for myself.

This is our last day here, and I'm sad about that. This isn't my home right now - I don't see myself having a role here. I can't really picture myself belonging. But it's been an amazing trip. Experience of a lifetime. Do you want me to return, God? I don't think this is what you have for me. That's a big revelation.

I am reluctant to think about my life back home. How boring and alone I've made it. So isolated and independent. That's what I wanted, right? I've made my life that way. I'd still really love to be a parent and a wife - to have a role and a place I belong and people waiting for me to get back and tell them everything. I guess that's the selfish part of it.

LATER

Trying to sleep now, but too many thoughts in my head...

• AMAZING trip - I never could have imagined how fun, eye-opening, mind-blowing this trip would be. I never saw it coming. An amazing trip - there aren't words.
• The feeling of sitting in a boat in the middle of a muddy river, looking at what Steve appropriately labeled the "worst place in the world": Paradise Hotel, where girls sold into prostitution are taken to be "broken into" the trade.
• Riding back home from the waterfall on the back of Alex's motorcycle. Sun lowering behind the trees, views of fields and trees and farmers. Cracks and holes in the red-orange clay hard-packed under the tires. Wind in my face when I lift the helmet shield to talk to Alex. Thinking as I looked at the scenery, "Who does this?! Who rides on the back of a boy's motorcycle in late afternoon through the backroads of Thailand?" HUGE BLESSING!
• Stopped at a temple - quiet. Gold tower, pictures of dead monks - their saints, triangles of red and blue and green mirrored glass covering the pillars.
• The beautiful faces of the girls we've met, watching them get more distinguishable to us everyday.
• Breaking down crying in the middle of leading worship as I thought about the giant gold Buddha statue we saw - speechless, overwhelmed by God's bigness, truth, reality - REALITY. The black and white of spiritual war.
• Sitting on the balcony this morning watching the sun creep up over the city of Chiangrai.
• I can definitely see myself as a missionary like the McCauleys, living with my family overseas long-term. When will that happen? Where? How? With who? ;)